Choose communication support by the part of the task you find difficult, rather than a rule about how an “ADHD brain” must behave. You may want to hold your place, get instructions in another format or take time before answering. Preferences can differ between people and between situations.
The NHS guide to ADHD in adults explains the condition and routes to assessment and support. These eight original examples from the tonen team are communication options, not a way to diagnose ADHD or a programme guaranteed to reduce conflict.
1. Keep your main point somewhere you can refer to
Write a question or request before a conversation if that is useful.
Example note: “I need to confirm the deadline and who approves the draft.”
You can read the note, show it or use it with another communication method. Keep as much detail as you need; a rigid two-sentence limit is not required. The aim is to hold the information, not prove that you can recall it unaided.
2. Ask for time without promising an answer you cannot give
Example: “I want to consider that before answering. Can I check when you need the decision?”
If you lose your place: “I lost the question. Could you repeat the last part?”
Choose a reply time you can actually offer, or say that you cannot confirm it yet. You do not have to become calm, do three breathing rounds or explain your diagnosis before making a request for time.
3. Discuss a format that fits the task
For instructions: “Could you send the steps in writing so I can refer back to them?”
For a long document: “Could we talk through the main decision before I read the details?”
Writing is not always the better channel, and speech is not a higher standard of communication. Ask what helps the specific task; that may involve AAC, notes, more time or another arrangement.
At work, Acas guidance on neurodiversity adjustments describes individual needs and reviewing support. A request is not simply a test of your wording. Do not assume that a refusal proves you were vague or that another person with ADHD needs the same adjustment.
4. Clarify the missing detail instead of deciding the motive
Message received: “Let's discuss tomorrow.”
Possible question: “Which part would you like me to prepare for the discussion?”
The message does not establish whether the sender is pleased, annoyed or simply organising a meeting. You can leave some uncertainty unresolved and ask for information that affects your next step. A reassuring interpretation is still an interpretation.
If a tool suggests alternatives, check them as possibilities, not evidence. You do not have to dismiss a concern or keep generating explanations until one feels comfortable.
5. Compare tone while preserving the meaning
These examples express the same refusal in different words.
| Wording choice | Illustrative sentence |
|---|---|
| Direct | “I cannot take on another task today.” |
| Warm | “Thanks for asking. I cannot take on another task today.” |
| Firmer | “I am not available for this. Please make another arrangement.” |
| Softer | “I do not have capacity for that today.” |
Choose the version you mean. Do not add an apology or an offer for another day just to make it sound warmer. Wording cannot ensure that the listener will agree, and a particular voice or eye-contact pattern is not a requirement.
6. Confirm what was decided
Example: “To check: I will send the draft on Thursday, and you will review it on Friday. Is that what we agreed?”
Include an unresolved question if there is one. A recap is not agreement on a point that was never decided. You can correct it later: “I wrote Thursday, but I meant Friday.”
For a practical task tool, the ADHD apps guide compares activities to check. A calendar or reminder can hold a decision; it cannot make an unfair workload appropriate.
7. Try preparation only if it helps
You may read the opening silently, say it aloud yourself or ask someone you trust to try an exchange. Choose when to stop. There is no fixed repetition count or obligation to practise until speech becomes automatic.
If you need to pause during the real conversation, you can say: “I cannot continue this now. Could we decide on another time or format?” Comfort exercises are optional, not a condition for communicating or leaving.
8. Ask for specific support and useful feedback
For feedback: “Could you show me one example of the change you want, and how you will decide it is complete?”
For support: “Could you help me list the next steps? I want to make the decision myself.”
If asking raises doubts about competence, the ADHD and imposter-feelings guide includes ways to request clearer expectations. A feeling is not proof that you are incapable. You also do not have to explain every feeling to get a practical answer.
If difficulties are affecting work, study or relationships, discuss the impact and possible support with an appropriately qualified professional. Treatment decisions, including medication, need an individual care conversation; a communication guide cannot make them.
Where tonen fits
We make tonen, an iPhone app with prepared scripts and Helpers offering suggestions to review. You can adapt a sentence, discard a draft or choose another tool. It does not assess ADHD, know another person's intentions or guarantee faster recovery or fewer conflicts.
Scripts and available Calm exercises work offline. Helpers use online processing; read tonen's privacy policy before sharing personal details. Choose support you can use and control, without a requirement to become a different kind of communicator.
Frequently asked questions
No. Choose support by the task and the person’s preferences. A diagnosis does not tell you whether writing, speech, AAC, more time or another arrangement will be useful.
Choose a real question or request and keep it somewhere you can refer to it. You can read it, show it or use it with another communication method; memorising it is not required.
No. You can ask for time, repetition or another format without first completing a calming exercise. You may also stop an exchange you do not want to continue.
Do not assume that better wording alone will resolve it or that a refusal means you were vague. Ask about the reasons, relevant process and possible alternatives, and seek appropriate advice about your circumstances.
Ask an appropriately qualified clinician about the particular difficulties you experience and what care may be suitable. Medication choices and expected effects require an individual discussion; this guide cannot decide them.
tonen offers prepared scripts, tone choices and Helpers with suggestions to review on iPhone. It does not assess ADHD or guarantee fewer conflicts. Helpers use online processing; check the privacy policy before entering personal details.