A boundary tells someone what you can do, what you cannot do or what you will do next. You can be brief. An explanation, apology or alternative is optional, and someone else's disappointment does not automatically make your boundary wrong.
The examples below were written for this guide. Adapt them to your circumstances. They cannot guarantee a kind response; if a conversation feels unsafe, getting support or leaving may matter more than choosing the perfect words.
1. Extra work
“Taking this on would delay the report. Which task should I prioritise?”
If you are declining rather than negotiating priorities: “I'm at capacity and can't take this on.”
If you can offer a limited contribution: “I can review one page tomorrow, but I can't review the full document.”
Keep that offer within your actual capacity. You do not need to solve the whole request after saying no.
2. Intrusive family questions
“I'm not discussing that today.”
A warmer version: “I know you're interested, but I'd like to keep that private.”
If the questions continue: “I've answered that. I'm changing the subject.”
You do not need to validate a harmful assumption or thank someone for advice you did not ask for. A neutral limit is enough.
3. Unequal effort in a friendship
“I've noticed I'm usually the one arranging our plans. I'd like that to feel more shared. How are things for you?”
To reduce how much support you can offer: “I care about you, but I don't have capacity to listen tonight.”
If you want to offer a specific time: “I could talk for 15 minutes tomorrow.” Only include that if you want to and can follow through.
Need the exact words for a boundary conversation? tonen can help.
tonen offers conversation scripts, Reply Helper, Perspective Helper, Debrief, Phone Call Mode and Calm Kit. Start with 21 free scripts on iPhone. Optional Premium unlocks more features.
Download on the App StoreAvailable on iOS.
4. Space in a relationship
“I need some quiet time this evening. Can we make a plan to spend time together tomorrow?”
To pause a difficult discussion: “I'm not able to continue this conversation now. I need a break.”
You can explain that you want to return to the subject without promising a particular time before you are ready. You also do not need to take responsibility for someone else's hurtful behaviour to justify stepping away.
5. Limits with children
“We need to leave the park soon. Would you like help gathering your things, or a moment before we start?”
For a firm safety limit: “I won't let you hit. I'll help make some space.”
For your own pause: “I'm getting frustrated. I'm going to pause while we stay safe, then we can work out what happens next.”
Choose language appropriate to the child's age and communication needs. A limit can stay clear while you acknowledge distress and offer support. Do not make a child perform calmness before you listen to a need.
6. Messages and notifications
“I don't check messages continuously. I'll reply when I have capacity.”
For a group chat: “I'm muting notifications for a while. Please message me directly if there is something I need to know.”
For work: “I check non-urgent work messages during my working hours.”
Avoid promising an exception you cannot maintain. If your role has an agreed emergency process, refer to that process rather than inventing one in the message.
7. Neighbours and shared space
“The music carries through the shared wall and makes it hard to sleep. Could we agree a quieter volume after 10 pm?”
For unexpected visits: “Please arrange a time with me before coming over. I'm not available for unannounced visits.”
If direct discussion is not useful or safe, consider an appropriate building or local process. A script is one option, not an obligation to confront someone.
8. Asking for or declining support
“I'm having a difficult week. Would you be able to help with the shopping?”
“I care about you, and I'm not able to be your support person for this.”
If someone needs support beyond what you can provide, you can suggest another person or suitable service without taking on responsibility for providing it yourself.
If someone pushes back
Repeat the limit once if useful: “I understand that isn't what you hoped for. My answer is still no.”
You can stop explaining: “I don't have anything else to add.” You can also leave the conversation or continue in writing. Clear wording does not oblige the other person to agree, and their refusal does not mean you failed to communicate.
For help with one particular request, see how to decline a request politely. If someone keeps asking, use refusal and pushback scripts. If the hard part is second-guessing your answer afterwards, see saying no when you feel guilty.
tonen includes conversation scripts with different wording options, plus helpers for drafting and reflecting. There are 21 free scripts on iOS and optional Premium. Choose words that represent your boundary, rather than words designed to make a no sound like a maybe.