If a remark, silence or missed task feels passive-aggressive, describe what happened before deciding why. You can ask for clarity, state a limit or seek support without proving the other person's motive.
A short reply, sarcasm, a copied-in manager or a missed deadline does not by itself establish deliberate hostility. Context and impact matter. The examples below are original wording from the tonen team; they do not diagnose another person's behaviour or guarantee a constructive response.
Separate what happened from what you suspect
Observation: “The deadline passed, and I have not received the file.”
Interpretation: “They are withholding it to make me look bad.”
Practical need: “I need to know whether the file is available and who can make the next decision.”
You do not have to decide that a worrying interpretation is false. Keep it separate from the facts you can describe. The message-interpretation guide discusses ways to ask rather than assume.
Choose a response to the specific issue
| What you noticed | Wording you could adapt |
|---|---|
| A comment has a possible double meaning | “I'm not sure how to take that. What did you mean?” |
| A joke or remark bothered you | “I did not find that funny. Please leave that topic out.” |
| A request has not been answered | “I still need a decision about Friday. Are you able to answer, or should I ask someone else?” |
| An agreed task is late | “The file was due yesterday. What is its status, and what needs to change?” |
| Someone copies others into an email | “Could you clarify who needs to make the decision and what you need from me?” |
Use a clarification question only when you want an answer and feel able to ask it. You do not have to confront someone to show that you are taking the situation seriously. It is also an option to leave an ambiguous comment unanswered.
Treat silence as missing information
Silence can have different explanations. It may involve a need for space, difficulty communicating, unavailable attention or deliberate behaviour; you cannot establish which from silence alone. Someone who cannot speak in a particular moment may need another communication method rather than a demand to explain themselves.
For a practical matter: “When would be a suitable time or way to discuss the plan?”
To stop waiting for an answer: “I cannot confirm my part until I have the details. I will leave it there for now.”
You are allowed to describe the effect of repeated non-response. You do not need to label it manipulation before deciding what you can or cannot agree to. The response-clarification guide has more wording options.
State the limit you mean
Direct: “I am willing to discuss the task. I do not want comments about my intelligence.”
Warm: “I want to understand the problem. Could we focus on the specific change you need?”
Firmer: “I am ending this conversation now.”
Choose a version that matches what you want to say. A warm tone does not ensure cooperation, and a firmer tone does not require an accusation. The boundary scripts offer additional requests and opt-out lines.
If preparation helps, save a sentence or read it yourself beforehand. The conversation practice guide offers optional formats. There is no requirement to rehearse until you sound calm or to stay in an exchange that you want to end.
Seek help with a recurring or serious problem
At work, keep a factual account of the incident, its effect and what support you are asking for, using your organisation's appropriate channels. For example: “The handover information has not arrived on these dates. I need help agreeing responsibility and access.” You can describe feelings and impact as well as dates and messages.
Acas guidance on bullying concerns describes options for getting support and keeping a record. It includes routes when speaking directly to the person is uncomfortable. You do not need repeated incidents before asking about a serious concern. The self-advocacy guide can help you organise the request.
For behaviour involving threats, fear or control in a close relationship, a script may not be the appropriate response. The NHS domestic-abuse guidance explains support routes. Prioritise getting appropriate help over obtaining a clarification from the person.
What a wording tool can offer
We make tonen, an iPhone app with scripts and wording suggestions. You can adapt a phrase for a question or limit. Perspective Helper may suggest possible explanations, but it cannot identify a hidden motive, determine whether abuse is occurring or make the conversation safe. Review suggestions against the facts and your own needs.