When a conversation feels difficult, choose one small communication task: an opening sentence, a question you need answered or words for taking a break. You can prepare in writing, read from a note or ask to use a different format.
These eight activities are practical examples written by the tonen team. They are not an exposure ladder, a CBT exercise programme or a test of confidence. You do not need to complete them in order, make them harder over time or stay in a situation that feels unsafe.
If anxiety is affecting everyday life, the NHS social anxiety guide explains when to seek help and describes treatment options. The examples below focus on finding words, not choosing or delivering treatment.
1. Prepare one opening line
Choose a real reason to speak to someone. Write a sentence that says what you need, rather than planning every possible reply.
For a work question: “Could I check which task you need first?”
For a friend: “Do you have time to talk about our plans for Saturday?”
For an appointment: “I'd like to book an appointment. Could you tell me what information you need?”
Keep the sentence where you can find it. Reading it from your phone or sending it in writing is an option. If you want to plan a longer exchange, use the conversation preparation guide. For a call, the appointment-booking script includes possible replies and voicemail wording.
2. Choose a conversation starter that interests you
You do not have to make small talk about a topic you dislike. Pick something you want to ask about, and give the other person space to decline or answer briefly.
At a shared activity: “Have you tried this before?”
With a friend: “What have you enjoyed doing this week?”
When returning to a conversation: “How did the project you mentioned turn out?”
A short answer does not tell you what someone thinks of you. You can leave the exchange there or ask whether they want to keep talking. Browse conversation starters for introverts for examples by situation, or autism conversation starters for direct ways to begin.
3. Make one request specific
Write down the action you want to ask for. Include a time or detail if it matters, and avoid adding a promise you do not mean.
| Situation | Wording you can adapt |
|---|---|
| Instructions are difficult to follow | “Could you send the steps in writing so I can refer to them?” |
| You need time to answer | “I need time to think. Could I reply tomorrow afternoon?” |
| Two deadlines conflict | “I can finish one of these today. Which should come first?” |
| You need practical help | “Could you help me make this call? I'd like you to sit with me while I speak.” |
The other person may need to discuss what is possible. A clear request starts that discussion; it does not guarantee agreement. See asking for help or workplace wording for more examples.
4. Ask about something unclear
Choose the part you need clarified rather than trying to infer a whole message from its tone.
For a vague request: “When you say soon, do you mean today or later this week?”
For an ambiguous reply: “Did you mean you cannot make it, or that you have not decided yet?”
When you lost the thread: “Could you repeat the last question? I missed part of it.”
You can write the question before sending it. You do not need to apologise for asking. For a worked example, see checking what someone meant. If the hard part is drafting your reply, use complete message templates.
5. Prepare a boundary or a different arrangement
Choose words that reflect your actual availability. An alternative is optional; offer one only if you want to follow through.
Declining an invitation: “Thanks for asking. I cannot join this time.”
Changing the format: “A busy group setting is difficult for me today. Would you like to meet one-to-one another day?”
Keeping a commitment manageable: “I can come for the first half hour. After that I need to leave.”
You can be considerate without agreeing to everything. Our saying-no guide has short starting phrases. Use saying no to friends when the relationship makes the wording feel more complicated.
6. Keep a pause or exit line ready
Write a sentence you can find while talking. Choose whether it asks for time, changes the format or ends the exchange.
A pause: “I need a moment to think. Could we pause here?”
A different format: “I am finding it hard to explain aloud. Can I send this in a message?”
An ending: “I need to leave now. Thank you for talking with me.”
You do not have to promise to return before you know whether you can. If someone is rude or ignores a limit, see ways to respond to rude comments. Getting support or leaving can matter more than finishing a prepared script.
7. Read your wording and check what it commits you to
Read a draft silently, aloud if useful, or with someone you trust. Check whether the words mean what you intend.
- Does it state the question or request?
- Does it add an apology you do not mean?
- Does it promise time, work or another conversation you cannot offer?
- Would a shorter version be easier to refer to?
For example, “I'm so sorry, I'll do anything to make this work” could become “I cannot meet on Tuesday. I can offer Thursday afternoon.” Keep the second sentence only if Thursday is actually possible.
This is a wording check, not a speaking assessment. You do not need to remove pauses, change your voice or practise eye contact. The conversation practice guide offers optional ways to prepare with scripts and another person.
8. Decide whether a follow-up is needed
After a conversation, you can make a brief factual note: what was agreed, what is still unclear and whether you want to do anything next. You do not have to analyse every exchange.
To confirm an agreement: “To check we agreed: I will send the draft on Thursday, and you will review it on Friday.”
To correct a detail: “I said Tuesday earlier, but I meant Thursday. Sorry for the confusion.”
When no action is needed: Save the useful detail and leave the conversation alone for now.
An uncomfortable feeling is not proof that you made a mistake. If you need help deciding what to clarify, use the did I do something wrong guide. If you want words for support, try “Could you listen for a few minutes? I don't need you to solve it.”
Where tonen fits
tonen provides conversation scripts and tone options you can adapt. Reply Helper suggests possible message wording; Perspective Helper offers possible interpretations, not a verdict about another person's intentions. Debrief supports reflection, and Phone Call Mode keeps prepared wording available during a call. These tools do not provide therapy or assess your social performance.
The free iPhone app includes 21 scripts, Box Breathing, 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding and one use each of Reply Helper, Perspective Helper and Debrief. Premium adds the full script library, Phone Call Mode, Body Scan, Safe Place and 50 weekly requests shared across the three Helpers. Generating Helper responses requires internet access. You choose what to use and what to leave.
For healthcare support, use the NHS explanation of social anxiety and available help. If arranging that first conversation is difficult, the NHS contact preparation guide includes wording you can take with you.
Frequently asked questions
Preparing one question, drafting a reply or choosing a pause line can be an activity. Pick a task that matters to you and adapt the format; you do not have to work through all eight.
No. You can write, use a message, read from a note or choose another communication method. Practising eye contact or spontaneous speech is not a requirement.
There is no required schedule for these examples. Use one when it helps with a real task. If an activity is part of therapy, follow the plan agreed with your clinician.
You can stop, change the format or ask for support. Finishing a conversation is not a test of progress or a reason to ignore your limits.
No. These are wording and preparation examples, not treatment for social anxiety. If anxiety affects everyday life, ask a healthcare professional about support.
tonen offers scripts and tone options you can adapt, plus Reply Helper, Perspective Helper, Debrief, Phone Call Mode and Calm Kit. Start with 21 free scripts on iPhone; some features require Premium. It does not provide exposure therapy or score your speech.